Is it me

I don't know.

Imposter syndrome

Is it me? Do I deserve all the things I'm getting? I feel like recently, I've just been having a few cases of imposter syndrome.

Probably the most obvious case is doing maths competitions, and I did do another one this week. Obvioisly I'm extremely grateful for all these opportunities that I have, especially considering most of these are invite-only. But before everytime I do one of them, I just have that doubt in my mind that my skills aren't real and that every performance is slightly fraudulent feeling.

Especially on math camps and stuff, everyone else just seems to be so skilled that I don't feel like I belong, yet somehow I manage to pull off some level of results that keeps getting me invited back.

Other times, it might be that I am above average at some things and then people make it seem like I am exceptional at that thing. But I always try to dispel any theory that tries to make me seem better than I know I am. It's not really being humble, just being realistic so that the inevitable drop off doesn't result in disappointment from others around me.

Also, I feel like at schcool people may see me as a studious, hard-working student who goes home and studies 3 hours a day, working on projects, getting 100s. But that genuinely could not be further from the truth and I want people to realise I'm not the person who cares so much about academics, but that I enjoy many aspects of regular life as well.

Rubbing off wrong

Is it me? Am I responsible for some other people's problems? Ok, some of you people reading might say "nah, this is stupid, don't think that way". But I genuinely can't shake the feeling that every time I meet new people, my bad habits just start to rub off the wrong way on them.

I get that obviously I'm probably not 100% of the reason why something has turned for the worse (although if I am let me know), but some things like my horrendous sleep schedule and extensive use of social media may have just caught up with others and influenced them in negative ways.

Also, I realise I can be a great distraction to others, in class and outside of class, mainly due to my laziness when I work. I just constantly try to find other things that is not work to do, which means I may just end up bothering others instead. My work ethic is also not the one to be replicated, so I really do hope no one is looking at me and thinking they should learn from me.

So, if you do step back and come to realise I've been not a great influence, just let me know. It's good for me as well, because I genuinely need to change some of these tragic habits for the sake of my future self.

Plans for next week

1. Approach everything with a more open and relaxed mind
2. Figure out some stuff to do in my spare time
3. Celebrate Man City winning the league

DM me 'luminary' if you see this.